For those of you who know me, I’m a passionate beauty maven who lives and breaths to create. Nothing can stop me when I’m inspired but more than a year ago, something did.
I’ve never been one to be suffer from mental illnesses but recently I hit a brick wall and for once in my life; I felt like I couldn’t tackle it. This post isn’t about contouring, finding the perfect shade of lipstick or glow; in fact it’s the realest I’ve ever gotten. In a world filled with carefully curated Instagram feeds, sometimes we need the raw, ugly truth because being imperfect is what makes us feel connected as humans.
Now, what’s this “thing” I mentioned before? It’s a little word we use loosely called anxiety. It’s not always easy to talk about it as you’re going through it but after reading The Dainty Girl‘s post about her recent struggles, I realized she’s right. Talking about things does make it better.
In a few blurbs, I share my unfiltered year of what felt like a rollercoaster ride, so here I share with you my story.
I Felt Like I Let My Family Down
A year ago, I graduated college with the hopes and dreams of becoming a beauty writer. It wasn’t long before I discovered creating content and sharing stories in different ways was my passion but when I got out there, the competition was tough.
Truth be told, I never faced rejection until becoming a new grad. Every interview I had, whether it be a part time job or an internship, I nailed it. But somewhere it stopped and it wasn’t long before it started getting to me. For months I felt like I had let my family down. I was the first generation Canadian to grow up in this beautiful country my family and I call home, but I had a dream to intertwine my love for beauty with my digital edge. Somehow I felt like I failed them for not being able to have something consistent to show for.
For a while I hated myself for only knowing how to be a creative. I hated how the only way I knew how work was by doing makeup and writing about the hottest beauty trends. At one point I had wished I was analytical enough to have been able to pursue a career in health care like my mother.
After graduating college and freelancing my way through life, I quickly learned that the things I was taking for granted were going to be taken away from me. My mother and I received a notice that I could no longer receive her benefits and soon I got a notice that by X date I had to begin paying back my student loans. Every parent has their concerns but there were moments I could see the look in my mothers eyes wondering when could her daughter land on her own two feet.
I Hated Myself
I must give myself credit for being able to smile even through the darkest times. As I was trying to figure out where I fit in this big world, I also felt as if I was crumbling into a million pieces. I had become my own worst enemy and soon I began reaching out to food for comfort, it wasn’t long before I started to see the negative changes in my overall health.
The Calm Before The Storm
They say, “When it rains it pours.” And sometimes it sure feels like it. You see, my parents are divorced but I never felt deprived of love because I grew up with my mother and grandmother, (abuela in Spanish) while visiting my father every other weekend.
My mother and grandmother literally raised me to be the person I am today. I grew up in a home filled with laughter, love and endless support.
Earlier this year I was given the news that my abuela was undergoing some physical health concerns that would affect her in the years to come. Out of respect to my family, I won’t go too in depth but the news felt like I had hit another brick wall that emotionally, I was too weak to even attempt to over come.
My smile could no longer hide the fact that I was broken. I was having PR packages sent to me that I couldn’t open because I knew I lost the inspiration to blog and I just wanted to put my career as a makeup artist on hold because my heart was not in it to bring joy into other peoples life. This was the darkest place I could have ever found myself and a nightmare I wanted to wake up from.
Finding A Solution
With my own daunting thoughts and thinking about my grandmother’s health I knew I had reasons to feel sad but I didn’t want to wake up clouded by negativity anymore; I wanted to wake up exciting about life again.
I no longer wanted to worry about the worst to come in the future, feeling like I wasn’t good enough and having more sleepless nights. All I needed was change. After researching different methods of coping, I began working with a neuropathic doctor where I learned coping mechanisms to get rid of my anxiety.
As long as my dark journey felt, it seemed like those days were coming to an end. It was a beautiful thing to close my eyes for the first time, in a long time, and fall asleep without wandering thoughts.
The Next Chapter
I know this isn’t the worst that could happen to one but this was me at what felt like my lowest point as a young adult. In few words I could describe this entire year as a moment where I lost sight of who I was, my purpose yet somehow I found my way back. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t count my blessings for having the necessities I have or thank God for filling my life with selfless people.
Looking back on the past year, I’m choosing to close that chapter and begin by opening a new one with this post. Despite me being uncertain of what the future holds for my family and I, I’ve learned to take control of the moments I’m given right now and show everyone around me the love and kindness we’re seeking. This is enough for me to believe I’m going to be okay.
Today, I’m sharing my story to tell you that it’s alright to be imperfect and don’t ever think you have to go through the tough times alone. And like Nicole, if you ever need someone to lean on, I too am only a click away.